Recovery Day #504
I had a bit of a break down before bed last night and just burst into tears. I don’t really know what brought it on, I think I’m just really over tired. Josh insisted I talk to him about it but I find it really difficult, and when I try I just can’t explain how I feel and what I mean, and I know it’s hard to understand.
I said I was fed up of having no life. I’m fed up of everything being about food and calories and macros and weight and basically numbers. I realised that I’m scared. I’m scared to stop controlling those things and obsessing over things, because once you take away all of that, whats left? I spend so much time thinking about food and reading about food and fitness and all that, that I don’t knoe what I’d do and what I’d br when such a huge portion of who am is removed. But its not who I really am. I don’t know who I really am without this, because at the age everyone else was finding out who they are, I was finding out how to starve and purge and do drugs and count calories. I don’t really know what to do with myself and my time.
I woke up extremely heavy this morning and cried all over again. I really am sleep deprived. I know weight fluctuates but in my head I just shamed myself for not going to the gym yesterday and moving too little and eating too much and not eating clean enough and now I’m heavy and bloated and horrible. It’s made me nervous about a few days less active, and for cinema treats tonight, and for wagamama tomorrow. It’s ridiculous.
I guess I just need to repeat those mantras about how my weight doesn’t define me and how its water and its normal.